Another day....Another hope

In the grand scheme of things, life is a game of Russian roulette. Granted, it's a rather large gun with about 60 years of bullets, but hey, we are just using this as a visual aide (so to speak). Everyday, we take a chance at living or dying. Most are so scared of dying and fearing the unknown. Others, are afraid of life and what they can't see going on in the future. A matter of control if you ask me. For me, I don't fear death, I can't wait for the day that I get to meet God. I can't wait for the day that there is no more pain, no more suffering and no more sorrow. I can't wait to see my aunt again and hug her. I can wait, because I have a family that I love and want to see grow up... but I am not afraid of death. What I am afraid of is life. With life, you don't know what to expect. You can expect to get sick at some point in your life, you can expect the norms like families, you can expect tragedy etc. It's the fact of not knowing if you are going to be around for the next 30 years, that scares the hell out of me.

I guess where this is coming from is that I had an MRI done today to figure out if a mass in my breast is dangerous or not. All went well for the most part, is the unknown that worries me. While I try to put on this easy going face, where I act like I have everything together, I am really scared. I watch my little boys sleep and I pray that I have the opportunity to watch them grow up. I look at my husband, and I want to grow old with him. Even if that means that eventually one of us will die before the other and we will be left, single again. I wouldn't want to grow old without him. I guess what I'm saying, is that I saw cancer rob my aunt of her life. She'll never get to see my cousin graduate from college, she never got to see my sister get married and she'll never get to see them have kids. I know in Heaven she will, but not in life. I saw how cancer ravished my mother's body. How even now, years after she has been in remission, she still has life log effects of the chemo and pills.

Even though I've been prepared for years now of this possibility, I am scared in the back of my mind that I will follow the same fate. I love my life, with all it's wacko moments...but I love my life and I don't want to lose a second of my boys or my husband due to cancer. So, this is how I really feel. For all of you who see the strong and courageous woman...it's all a face. That is who I aspire to be, but who I am yet to become.

~Vanessa