Closing a chapter

So today, as I sit here preparing to close a chapter of my life...I have mixed emotions. This is not just a simple chapter. No. This particular chapter was filled with joy, greif, happiness and loss. It's marked a time in my life where emotions ran high and feelings ran wild. A time in my life where I can now say...thank you.

It's a bittersweet happening, this is. Nobody likes to see the ending of their favorite story, not end happily. It is afterall, supposed to be happy endings right? I've come to the realization that things just don't happen the way we would always like them to end. The childhood stories of my day fall short to todays realities. Times and people are so different. Again, it's bittersweet. The bitter part is beyond obvious. The hurt, the angst, the tears.... my spirit is now being tried. The sweet part is that I can remember the great times, the momentous times. I can look foward to happy times again. I can rest my head at night and not go to sleep upset, worried, hurt. Peace is finally here again.

So as I sink back into this abyss that has enveloped me, I look foward to that tear in that darkness...that tiny ray of light poking through, that tells me.... Move foward.

Snugglies with the bug!

I know that sounds bizarre, but it's code for: Kayden and mommy snuggling together :)

I got home from work today to the happy "Mommy! You are home!!!" Even the little walking dynamite stick was able to mutter "Mommuh". I tell you, that is just the BEST feeling ever! I love coming home from work and my kids come running to me. Being a stay at home mom, I was always around and never out of their site, so this is a pleasant change for me.

Anyway, back to the snuggling. I came home today and ate a bit and then proceeded to try and stay awake on the couch. Well, Kayden comes up to me and starts rubbing my arm. He has this thing with my arm lately. He has to have one of my arms or it's war! So, he's rubbing my arm and I instantly feel the coma start to slip over me. I tell him that mommy is tired and that I am going to go lie down. He then proceeds to tell me that he is tired too and that he wants me to go lay in his "topumk bed" (top bunk bed) with him. I'm all for it! So we go and lie in bed together and snuggle. Short of me surgically retrieving him from my armpit...there he was. Snuggling with me. Him in my armpit (thank you Jesus for good deodorant) and me sniffing away at his hair. Oh bliss!!!

I was already awake when he got up, but I was still lying in bed when he got ready to leave. He looked at me and told me "Mommy, you are my best friend. I'll cover you up, you just rest. I love you mommy."

Okay...tell me your heart did NOT just skip a beat :)

So this is love :)

Naked children and dogs...

Yeah, title says it all. I'm watching my red-butted little boy prance around the living room naked. He's also just peed on the dog. Yeah, and he's lapping it up. Yeah.

So my naked child who refuses to wear socks or diapers, even after the ultimate attempts at keeping them on him...has now decided he's going to ride the dog...naked. Again, yeah.

My poor dog. He was neutered about a week ago. All was well, until one of his "bits" looked like it was coming back. Really, it looked like they grew back. Called the vet, said it would be okay. Yeah. I think I need to re-title my post. Now, his re-grown ball is black...and necrotic. Thank you Jesus that I work for a vet! I already know how much this is going to cost me. Yeah.

Missed the premire of Heroes. Yeeaaahhh!! I am so going to bed.

Yeah.

Sweet September

Oh it's been a journey September! You've put me through high's and the very lowest of lows. We've shared our sorrow's and now our joys. We've shared our memories and now we share making the memories. Oh September, you've been an awesome test of self worth. You've shown me who I really am and brought me out of the ashes, into the sunlight where I can shine. Thank you September, thank you for allowing me to remember me.

Amazing Grace... yes, it is!

I've been slowly venturing into the realm of becoming a working mom again. Really, it's been a necessary function that my little family unit needs. With the economy going down the drain, a single income family is becoming harder and harder to maintain. So, I've been peddling my resume around for a couple of months now, with little to none success. It's been heartbreaking for me at times because I have such a great work history, but not a lot of employers want to hire someone that's been out of the workforce for 3 years due to having kids. I understand that totally, but it bites for mom's like me. Anyways, I've been praying and praying for this one job opportunity to open up for me. The location, hours and environment are just the perfect match for me and my family. I am a firm believer that when God shuts a door on you, it's only because he has something better in store for you. I was really hoping to get a job with a really good friend of mine, but that didn't pan out. Now I know why. I was just hired on with that dream job I was referring to above! The fact that this is a new facility give me the opportunity to do what I love best, and that's lead. I'm also being paid very generously and here's the kicker... it's 3 minutes from my house!! Talk about prayers being answered!!

Here is another prayer that has been answered this week. While I was pregnant with the second spud, I was told I had HPV. Of course, I was dumbfounded because this is a sexually transmitted disease and uhm... I've been married for almost 4 years! So, once the spud was out, they had to do some procedures to make sure that I don't have cervical cancer etc. The past few times I've had my yearly insides scraped, the test always came up positive. Well, I just got back my results yesterday and guess what? They are NEGATIVE!!! Yep! They said sometimes these things just resolve themselves and they go away. Now, I still have to go back for more frequent scrapings, but the fact that it's negative is a blessing again! Wow...I'm telling you, the power of prayer is some strong stuff :)

I have so much to be thankful for this week. I am thankful for my God. Thankful that I have what I have in my life. Thankful for my two boys, my husband and both of our extended families. I remember what my life was like without faith and without hope... I pray that I never get that way again. I am also so very thankful for people like Tara, Misty and all the other GaMom chickies that have sent me well wishes and prayers. I'm thankful that I have such a wonderful support group who's support, friendship and love... reach beyond the screen in front of you.

Again, Amazing Grace.

Another day....Another hope

In the grand scheme of things, life is a game of Russian roulette. Granted, it's a rather large gun with about 60 years of bullets, but hey, we are just using this as a visual aide (so to speak). Everyday, we take a chance at living or dying. Most are so scared of dying and fearing the unknown. Others, are afraid of life and what they can't see going on in the future. A matter of control if you ask me. For me, I don't fear death, I can't wait for the day that I get to meet God. I can't wait for the day that there is no more pain, no more suffering and no more sorrow. I can't wait to see my aunt again and hug her. I can wait, because I have a family that I love and want to see grow up... but I am not afraid of death. What I am afraid of is life. With life, you don't know what to expect. You can expect to get sick at some point in your life, you can expect the norms like families, you can expect tragedy etc. It's the fact of not knowing if you are going to be around for the next 30 years, that scares the hell out of me.

I guess where this is coming from is that I had an MRI done today to figure out if a mass in my breast is dangerous or not. All went well for the most part, is the unknown that worries me. While I try to put on this easy going face, where I act like I have everything together, I am really scared. I watch my little boys sleep and I pray that I have the opportunity to watch them grow up. I look at my husband, and I want to grow old with him. Even if that means that eventually one of us will die before the other and we will be left, single again. I wouldn't want to grow old without him. I guess what I'm saying, is that I saw cancer rob my aunt of her life. She'll never get to see my cousin graduate from college, she never got to see my sister get married and she'll never get to see them have kids. I know in Heaven she will, but not in life. I saw how cancer ravished my mother's body. How even now, years after she has been in remission, she still has life log effects of the chemo and pills.

Even though I've been prepared for years now of this possibility, I am scared in the back of my mind that I will follow the same fate. I love my life, with all it's wacko moments...but I love my life and I don't want to lose a second of my boys or my husband due to cancer. So, this is how I really feel. For all of you who see the strong and courageous woman...it's all a face. That is who I aspire to be, but who I am yet to become.

~Vanessa

So here I am...Out of the Ashes

I can say with all honesty, that the title of my new blog page is 100% me. It's been a while since I've felt very connected with myself recently and I think now is the perfect time to start talking about things.

So to start things out, here is an explination about the title - From out of the Ashes. Everything in life has a cycle. Even in religion and science, we have a cycle. We have birth, life, death and then for some who believe, life again. I'm a Chrisitan, so I believe that when I die I'll go to heaven and not be reincarnated (because as much bad as I've done, I would come back as a carpet). Anyhow, when most things die, they eventually become ashes or dust. Let's just go with ashes. Have you ever heard of how ashes of those you love or ashes or just about anything, if planted, will actually grow and blossom seeds that were sown with the ashes? Yeah, cool :)

So here comes From out of the Ashes. I've gone through a really hard time recently with losses in family, changes in my personal life (nothing bad) and a whole lot of health scares. Just now, I've been able to pull myself out of "the ashes" and start to grow myself into the person that I am meant to be. Granted, I am giving thanks to God and a ton of wonderful friends and family for all of their support! I have become that small seedling that is growing from out of the ashes. Just like any plant needs light, I need hope, love and family to help support me from out of the darkness that I've been ensued (sp) in. So here I am, out of the ashes and back into life.

Please, won't you come join me in my journey of self discovery and life in all it's glory?!